Why Avoiding Hard Conversations is Damaging Your Team
Why Avoiding Hard Conversations is Damaging Your Team
In many workplaces, “nice” and “kind” are treated as the same thing. They are not. And failing to distinguish between the two is undermining performance and eroding trust in teams. While being nice is well-intentioned and often feels right in the moment, it often leads to avoidance - and that’s not kind at all.
Niceness prioritises comfort. It focuses on keeping the peace, avoiding tension and maintaining harmony. It softens messages, sidesteps or delays difficult conversations, and makes feedback vague.
On the surface, this can look like a positive culture. People are polite. Conversations are pleasant. There is little visible conflict. But underneath, cracks start to show. Concerns go unspoken. Frustrations build. Conversations happen around the issue, rather than addressing it directly. Problems are swept under the carpet. Gossip goes underground. And what looks like harmony is often avoidance.
Kindness, by contrast, is not about making people feel comfortable. It is about being helpful and acting in their best interest. In a workplace, that means being clear, direct and honest - with care. Put simply, niceness feels good now. Kindness does good later.
When “nice” gets in the way
Consider an employee who applies for a promotion and misses out, then asks what they need to do differently next time. A nice response might sound supportive, but vague: “You did really well. You were close. Keep doing what you’re doing.” It avoids discomfort but gives the person nothing to work with. At best, it’s unhelpful. At worst, it creates false hope. They walk away unaware of what’s holding them back. That’s not kind. It’s misleading.
A kind response is different. It gives the person what they need to improve. It might look like: “You performed strongly in your technical capability. Where we see a gap is in your communication, particularly your ability to have difficult conversations early. That is what
we’d like to see you focus on to strengthen your chances next time.”
Clarity requires courage
Many leaders know what needs to be said. The challenge is having the courage to say it clearly, directly and with care. A useful principle is to stay hard on the issue, soft on the person. Address the behaviour, issue or outcome directly, while remembering you’re dealing
with a human. Be clear, and be considerate in how you deliver the message.
Timing matters too. Kind leaders communicate early, while issues are still small and easier to address. They choose the moment, the setting, and are clear about what the conversation is really about.
When leaders are clear and respectful, difficult conversations do not damage relationships - they strengthen them. They build trust because people know where they stand and what is expected. In those moments, ask yourself: what’s the kindest thing I could do here? More often than not, it’s not staying silent. It’s speaking up, being clear, and giving the other person what they need to succeed.
The role of a leader is not to protect people from discomfort. It’s to support your team to do their best – to grow, improve and develop. And that requires being kind, not nice.
Leah Mether is a communication and human skills expert who helps make the people part of leadership and work life easier. She is the author of Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure and Steer Through the Storm: How to Communicate and Lead Courageously Through Change.
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